Paroneal Tendon Repair

Well, after a year and a half of living with a swollen, painful right ankle, my podiatrist finally figured out what was going on!  My paroneal tendon (the one that goes behind your ankle) was slipping out of place, causing it to tear lengthwise.  There was no injury that caused this to occur; it just started happening one day!  After a few months in a boot, the swelling decreased drastically, which allowed the tendon to slip out of place even easier!  So surgery was the only answer.

When the doctor got in there and took a look at my tendon, he was surprised just how long the tear was.  It was a beast!  He was surprised that I wasn't in more pain than I was.  He said it was like a hose sliced down the side and laid open like a hot dog bun.  So he stitched that up.  He also made the groove in my bone deeper where the tendon sits.  While he was at it, he noticed two separate spots where I had an extra (and unnecessary) muscle attached to my tendon, called a "muscle belly," and they were helping to pull my tendon out of place.  So he detached and cauterized those.  All in all the incision was about 5 inches long!  He said it was a mess in there, but he's happy with how it all turned out.  I hate hearing that things were worse than expected, but it is nice to have a confirmation that surgery really was the best choice.

The day of surgery 

One week post-op.  He was quite alarmed at the degree of swelling I had!

Normal, skinny toes vs. sausage toes.

Two weeks post-op.  Swelling was improved, but a bit of the incision looked like it might have opened up...most likely as a result of me trying to carry the baby while hopping on one foot.  I lost my balance and had to use my bad foot to catch myself.  That was my first time attempting to handle the baby's nap on my own, and I have since realized that I can't do it without help!  Thankfully I've had a lot of people offer to help, and I've humbled myself enough to accept their offers!

I'm now almost three weeks post-op and I had my stitches removed today.  In two weeks I'll go in for an ultrasound to see how well things are healing.  If everything looks good, I'll be able to start putting weight on my foot, walking with a boot!  Wouldn't that be exciting!

The pain was well-controlled for the first week, but after that it seemed like meds weren't making a difference.  There are times when the pain is pretty bad, but for the most part I can ignore it.  I've been told to expect that it will take a full six months before I feel completely healed, but it'll be worth it to not be in pain forevermore!  There's a super good chance that my ankles are symmetrical, so I just have to hope that the same thing doesn't ever happen to my left ankle!

Me

We all know how my body hates pregnancy.  This time (and last time, too), I've been diagnosed with postpartum thyroiditis, a temporary condition in which my thyroid overproduces, causing hyperthyroidism.

I've had hypothyroidism for 10 years now, and my thyroid levels have been stable that entire time with me taking 88mcg of levothyroxine.  Without that tiny green pill every morning, I'm very, very sick.  Thyroid function sometimes changes during pregnancy, so I've always had my thyroid checked during each trimester and 6 weeks after delivery.  My numbers have always been fine except for after delivering Russell and Zachery, when my thyroid goes into overdrive.  With Russ, the doctor just wanted to watch it with extra blood tests  and see what would happen.  It normalized after a few months and all was fine, although I suspect that had to do with my postpartum depression and awful milk supply.  This time around, my OB wanted me to cut my thyroid pill in half and follow up with an endocrinologist.  What did the endo find?  We are grossly under-treating my thyroid and he wants me to go back on my full dose and get my blood checked again in two months.  Also, I'm very vitamin d deficient and need to take OTC supplements religiously.

I haven't felt that tired lately.  Only as tired as I would expect to be with three small, crazy boys and too many 8AM doctor appointments.  I have felt an unhealthy amount of anxiety lately, so hopefully that will improve when my thyroid normalizes.  And maybe I'll find out how it feels to be able to hop out of bed easily in the morning, and keep up with my kids all day!  One can hope....

Also, the endo ran some tests to see where I'm at with my PCOS.  I'm glad to report that I'm NOT pre-diabetic (which is a common concern with PCOS).  Not even close.  Whew!  And my liver and kidneys are happy, which is good.

32 weeks 3 days

I'm well into the 30s now and it's pretty exciting!  My doctor started seeing me every two weeks basically since my surgery and every time we meet he is so excited to see that I'm still holding strong!  Just a few more weeks and we'll be even more relieved!

32 weeks 3 days!

I had my checkup today and everything looked great with one exception.  The protein levels in my urine have been creeping up since about 26 weeks and today they were high enough to warrant a 24-hour urine collection.  This means preeclampsia could be our next problem.  (I called it...I really did.  I knew this was going to happen over a month ago.)  But honestly, it may not be anything to worry about quite yet because my blood pressure is fine.  I normally have super low blood pressure, so I suppose that could make it harder to catch because what's normal for everyone else would be high for me.  But with no swelling or debilitating headaches (although I have started getting a few super mild headaches in the last few weeks), I'm feeling optimistic.  Mostly I'm just relieved to be past 32 weeks, because I could handle having my baby at any point now.  Of course, I'm still holding out for a 9-pounder, so I'm really hoping this doesn't put a kink in my plans!  We'll just have to see what the labs say.  Keep your fingers crossed for me, would ya?

More generic pregnancy updates:

I seem to be recovering well from my gallbladder removal.  I was told that the internal stitches will take two months to dissolve, so that should happen in the next few weeks.  As for now, they appear to be trying to make their way out through my skin instead of just dissolving like good little stitches are supposed to do.  My incisions are getting more red, tender, and swollen, although they don't appear to be infected at all.  My OB told me not to be surprised if my skin opens up and a few stitches come out.  Sounds fine by me.  I'll just be glad to have that part over with.

We decided to be proactive about my heartburn.  Since I was feeling the pain and then treating it with zantac and tums every single day, my OB was on board with me taking generic prevacid to stop the pain before it starts.  It's made a world of difference, I tell you.  It even seems to help with the debilitating pain I sometimes feel where my gallbladder used to reside.  I don't know what's up with that, but I'm hoping it goes away after the baby comes and my organs aren't all squished up under my ribs.

I think I've developed a bit of sleep apnea.  Sometimes I wake in the night, gasping for air.  It's a strange sensation, for sure.  My doctor's not too concerned about it, especially since we're getting so close to the finish line.  I can live with it for another eight weeks.

My weight has been weird.  I gained at least 8 pounds of IV fluids during my hospital stay, and then I lost 16 pounds, putting me 8 pounds below where I was when I was admitted to the hospital.  It has taken the last 6 weeks to gain that 8 pounds back.  So as of yesterday I have gained 16 pounds total during this pregnancy.  It's definitely less than my first two pregnancies (where I gained 15 pounds by 27 weeks with each), but if I gain the expected one pound per week from here on out, that'll put me right at 24 pounds when I deliver, which is just right.  My weight was completely stagnant for a while after my surgery, so I was worried about how the baby was going to grow, but we're all caught up now.  :)

The baby is measuring just right, around 32-33 weeks.

I have another ultrasound to look at the heart at 34 weeks to check on the echogenic foci (is that the plural of focus? because there are three...).  After that, I'll see my doc every week.

I wake up once every single night to use the bathroom, usually around 3-4AM.

My aching right hip keeps me tossing and turning all night.

I've been pulling abdominal muscles, which doesn't feel that great.  It literally leaves me unable to do anything but sit on the couch for a few days, but then it seems to go away.

I'm still feeling pretty good otherwise, which is awesome.  You might be able to count my hankerin' for fresh fruit as a craving.  Jimmy John's sandwiches are also on my "gosh that sounds so good" list.  I had a dream about Jimmy John's and fruit the other night.  It was amazing.  I'm loving apple slices and peanut butter.  Hot chocolate chip cookies.  Yum.  Goldfish crackers.  Ikea meatballs.  That's about it.  ;)

Here are all my recent belly shots!:

28w1d

29 weeks

30 weeks

Today, at 32w3d.

My insanely adorable baby boy with chubby cheeks and squishy lips and a button nose at 29 weeks.

No Doubt, It's Necessary

At times I've questioned whether we did all we could do before resorting to the feeding tube for Caleb...would we make the same choice if we knew then what we know now?  Then I see Caleb come down with a simple little stomach virus (or a cold, or any other virus) and his GI system completely shuts down to where he can hardly digest anything without throwing up.  He NEEDS that feeding pump to deliver a continuous slow drip of formula (or pedialyte) to keep him from needing an IV for hydration and blood sugar.  I can't count how many hospitalizations we've avoided because of his tube!  And that's to say nothing about being able to give him the calories he needs (and can't get on his own) to grow and thrive on a daily basis.  It's true, I'm pretty glad to have that little life-saving piece of silicone in his abdomen!

The things bouncing around inside of my head....

If I were to die tomorrow, Nate would certainly win an award for best single father.  But one thing that I'm just not sure he could handle is switching an entire child's wardrobe up a size.  What an ordeal!

Speaking of switching a child's wardrobe up a size, it's unfortunate that Caleb wore size 18m clothes during the summer and Russ will be wearing size 24m clothes this summer.  I'm just not sure how it's going to go having a baby in June when my other two were born in the winter!  I don't want to have to buy more clothes.  We have a ton already!

Is it normal to have pain in your rib cage, right where the gallbladder used to be, a month post-op?  I don't know.

The other day on a preschool field trip, at the museum where they were giving a live animal show, the presenter asked the kids to tell her magical words (like Abra Kadabra).  Caleb piped up and said, "Expecto Patronum!  Wingardium Leviosa!"  Oh, Caleb.  You are so awesome.  :D

Caleb noticed his feet falling asleep for the first time a few days ago.  He described the feeling as "glitter."

Whenever Russ is sad, he asks for Dolly.  A Dolly snuggle always makes him feel better.

Whenever I try to get Russ dressed, he tells me, "But I want to wear pajamas all the days!"  Seriously, how can I argue with that?  I feel the same way, bud.  So we both pretty much wear pajamas on days that we don't have to leave the house.  I like to use the excuse that maternity clothes make my incision hurt (it's true!  Honestly!).  His excuse is that he's an independent 3-year-old.  So don't judge if you stop by unannounced.  ;)

Speaking of Russ getting dressed, he's super picky about his clothes.  He only wants to wear "soft things."

Russ is like a mini Caleb when he's sleep deprived.  Wild and crazy.  You don't want to be in our house on days like that.  If it's a zoo on normal days, just wait until Russ only gets 8 hours of sleep and refuses to take a nap!

I had a dream the other night that I gave birth--to two baby goats.  One boy and one girl.  I was pretty upset about it because the doctor had told me that I was having two girls (but never said anything about them being animals...apparently that doesn't matter to my subconscious as much as gender does).

27 weeks 1 day

I have officially made it to the point in my pregnancy where I delivered Caleb!  If I make it through the night, as I tell myself, this baby will have a better start than his oldest brother.  After seeing your tiny baby struggle, that's a big deal!

It's crazy to think that this little guy (gosh, I wish we had a name for him!) is about two and a half pounds right about now.  On his ultrasound last week, he looked so much like Caleb did when he was born!  He's got the same face shape, the same chubbyish cheeks...

It's crazy to think that that's what's growing inside of me, kicking all day long, getting stronger every day.

Stay put for another three months, Little Guy, ok?

So.  This pregnancy.  You see, after dealing with the pain of infertility, and the struggle of having a micro preemie, I try not to take a single day of my pregnancy for granted.  I'm so very grateful that I get to have this experience.  So I don't want to complain, not at all, but I just have to say...this sucks.  Even though my pregnancy with Russell taught me that I'd rather be 40 weeks pregnant than have a newborn, I'm just really looking forward to this being over.  And can you blame me?  I was sick to the point where you couldn't even mention food to me until 15 weeks (and needed one ER visit for IV fluids when I had a stomach virus), I bled from 13-18 weeks (requiring another ER visit) and was on bed rest that whole time, and then at 26 weeks I needed surgery (and another ER visit and 3-day hospital stay) to have my gall bladder removed.  Seriously?  This has just been a horrible experience all around.  I'd like to think that now it's time to relax and enjoy the rest of my pregnancy (last time I wasn't all that uncomfortable when I got huge in my last trimester), but I can't shake the feeling that something is coming next.  Maybe preeclampsia (I did have a little protein in my urine while I was in the hospital, which I've never had before).  Maybe preterm labor.  Maybe the placental abruption will rear its ugly head again.  Maybe something else obscure, like that gall bladder mess, that isn't even on my radar.  I don't know.  All I know is that I'm anxious to cross the finish line.

On a more generic update:

I've been throwing up about once every other week, and needing to pop a zofran for nausea a few times a week.  It's usually water first thing in the morning that pushes me over the edge and sends me to throw up.  

I have awful heartburn, especially in the evenings or after eating chocolate, and it requires a zantac and a tums to combat it.  

My hair is falling out like mad, but my thyroid is a-ok.  

I passed my glucose test with flying colors (thank goodness, because most of the time I feel like I'm getting low blood sugar and I need candy of some sort to make me feel less queasy).  

I've gained around 15 pounds, which is right on track...but that's sort of a guess, because I always retain a ton of fluids when I'm on an IV, so I literally gained at least 8 pounds in my 3 days in the hospital.  I'm still losing it after coming home 4 days ago.

Both my hips ache when I sleep at night, even though I've been using a pillow between my legs since at least 10 weeks.  My right hip is much worse, and it's definitely something more than sciatic nerve pain.  Sometimes when I roll over at night I'll feel my hip joint pop and feel instant relief.  I also have to be careful not to aggravate the nerve when I give myself my progesterone shot on that side.

I've definitely adopted a waddle since my surgery, and I think it's here to stay.

And since pregnancy isn't all bad, my skin is clearer than ever!  Because I have PCOS, I have acne from my messed up hormones.  My hormones must be doing something right right now, and I'm really enjoying having clear skin.  :)

I don't have to deal with insane cravings, which is nice.  There are some foods that I think about more than others (chocolate cake, strawberries, and goldfish crackers at the moment), but this is the first pregnancy where I'm not a slave to whatever sounds good.  That's a pretty nice feeling.

I also haven't had headaches with this pregnancy.  I had debilitating headaches with the first two, so I really appreciate that I don't need to be taking tylenol all day long, taking naps, turning off the lights and closing the curtains, and drinking tons of water and even caffeine to try to get the headaches to subside.  That was seriously awful, so I'm so happy to not have to deal with that!

Well, happy 27+1 to me and my third baby boy!  I would go get some cake to celebrate, but leaving the house (read: putting on real clothes, aka, maternity pants that will make contact with my incisions) doesn't appeal to me, so I just had some chocolate cake that our awesome neighbors brought us when they brought dinner a few days ago.  I finished it up.  No shame.

And since there are only two pairs of pajama pants that are comfortable on my post-surgery belly, there will be no 27+1 picture today.  But here are the other random belly shots I've taken recently:

21 weeks

23 weeks

24 weeks

23w4d with Caleb and 23 weeks with Russell

25 weeks

26 weeks

I'll let you imagine just how big I must be now and I promise I'll try to remember to take a picture the next time I actually put on something other than pajamas.  :)

20 Weeks!

I'm so glad to be halfway!  This has not been an easy pregnancy.  From 6-14 weeks, I had pretty bad morning sickness and lost about 5 pounds from throwing up and being unable to eat much of anything.  Then at 13.5 weeks I woke in the night with bleeding, and was diagnosed with placental abruption.  I proceeded to bleed until I was about 18 weeks.  Now I haven't bled for over two weeks and it's been such a relief!

My routine 20-week anatomy ultrasound went well.  The baby is super active and measuring just right (two days big, actually).  My placenta is low-laying, but there is no placenta previa visible, which is good news.  There were two slight abnormalities, though.

First, the ultrasound showed what the doctor described as a "shadow" on the baby's heart.  It's called an echogenic focus, and it's basically nothing.  My doctor said it's the most common abnormality he sees on ultrasounds.  From my research, it sounds like it's a slight calcification in the baby's heart, between the ventricles or by the valve.  It sounds like it doesn't affect the function of the heart at all, which is good news.  They'll do a follow-up ultrasound later on (the doctor said 32-34 weeks) and if it hasn't resolved then we'll just have to notify the pediatrician when he's born and they may or may not want to do an EKG later on.  Thanks to Dr. Google, I found out that an echogenic focus is a marker for chromosomal anomalies, such as Down Syndrome.  There are many markers for DS that can be seen on an ultrasound, so having one marker shouldn't be significant, especially since I'm not of "advanced maternal age."  But having a perfectly clear ultrasound in no way guarantees that your baby will have healthy chromosomes anyhow.  So it's probably nothing, but now chromosome problems are on my mind and I probably won't rest entirely easy until the baby is born.

The other problem seen on the ultrasound is my amniotic fluid.  The fluid levels are fine, but it's very...dirty.  It looks like bleeding for five weeks straight leaves lots of "particles" floating around in the fluid.  If you've ever seen an ultrasound, you know that the black spaces around the baby are anmiotic fluid.  My black spaces looked like they were filled with layers of glitter floating around.  You could literally see them bouncing off of the walls.  It was honestly a little alarming to me.  The ultrasound tech said that we'd need an ultrasound in a month to follow up, but the doctor wants me to have another ultrasound to measure my cervical length at 26 weeks (you know, to make sure I'm not at risk of dilating early again) so they'll just check the amniotic fluid at that time.  The tech did say that she has no reason to believe that the dirty appearance is due to infection, so she would guess it's because of the bleeding...and while I agree with her, just hearing the word "infection" freaks me out.  We have reason to believe that Caleb was born 13 weeks early because my placenta was infected with strep and staph.  It would have killed him had he not been born when he was.  So naturally it scares me to think that there's even a slight possibility of an infection.  When Caleb started getting sick from the infection he stopped kicking (which was my only indication that anything was wrong, even though I was dilated to 4cm by that time and hadn't had a single contraction), so you can bet that I'm going to be hyper aware of this baby's level of activity.  So far he moves around more often than not--he's so active!  So that's very comforting.  If that doesn't keep up, I'm going to be calling my OB right away!

Those were the only concerns arising from the ultrasound.

Otherwise, I've been feeling much better.  I still throw up from time to time, first thing in the morning (it's always taking a sip of water with my medicine that puts me over the edge and sends me to bend over the porcelain throne, even when I eat a few bites of bland cereal before getting up).  The difference between the nausea and vomiting between the first trimester and now is that now the urge to throw up comes on super suddenly, and once I throw up I feel better immediately.  In the first trimester, I would feel on the verge of vomiting for 12 hours before throwing up, and throwing up never provided relief.  It was pretty bad.  Now I honestly can't complain.  It's not so bad at all.  I still take zofran maybe four times a week to control the nausea, but even that is perfectly fine with me.

My cramps have also decreased drastically.  They were awful the week of Christmas, when I was out and about more than usual at family gatherings.  Time spent in the car brought on cramps so awful that I ended up downloading a contraction timing app.  There were a few scary moments there!  But once Christmas was over the cramps went away almost entirely.  I credit the weekly progesterone shots, honestly.  They're designed to prevent preterm labor, and I think that's just what they're doing!  I started them the week before Christmas, so it seems that it took about a week and a half to get in my system and now they're doing their job!  Yay!  I'm still having plenty of braxton hicks contractions, but those don't worry me like the cramps did.

I feel much more stable now that I'm not bleeding or cramping.  I've even allowed myself to be more active (I actually walked through a few stores in the past week) and I haven't had any problems!  I can tell spending over 5 weeks laying low has weakened my muscles a lot, so it'll take a while to build up my stamina, but I'm glad that I'll be able to be mostly back to normal before long, with the main exception of heavy lifting.

I've also seen a decrease in heartburn recently (weird) and instead of my hair getting thicker, it's falling out more and more (I don't mind, because I have way too much hair as it is, but it's not "normal" for pregnancy, and I'm a little concerned about my thyroid levels, which have yet to be checked this trimester).  I don't have any overpowering food cravings, but I have aversions to ham and mints.  Yuck...just the though of mints...just no.  Since I'm able to eat pretty much anything these days, I've finally put on about 5 pounds in addition to gaining back the weight that I had lost.  And the best part of this pregnancy?  My mood is perfectly normal.  With my first two, I had awful and unpredictable mood swings.  I got mad at the littlest things.  I hated the sound of crying babies and whining children...I seriously hated kids during my first two pregnancies.  Now I feel like I actually have control of my moods, which is the most incredible thing!  I'm a functioning person (unlike before), and it feels great.  :)

17 weeks

18 weeks 2 days

1 day shy of 19 weeks

My little boy at 20 weeks 1 day.  Is that a smile I see?  <3 p="">

First Trimester Placental Abruption

This blog post will have lots of details that may gross you out.  It goes along with my policy of "if it's medical, it's not personal."  Be warned.

Thursday morning, December 4th, I was exactly 13 weeks 4 days.  It was around 3:30 AM when I awoke feeling like I was wetting my pants (see, personal details already).  I was a little embarrassed, thinking this is waaaay too early in my pregnancy for that to start, right?  I mean, it's not like I have 6+ pounds sitting on my bladder.  So I got out of bed and felt a gush.  I was like, seriously?  Can I not control my bladder?  So I went to use the toilet and was pretty darn alarmed at what I saw.  There was blood.  So much blood.  In my pants, turning the water red.  Blood everywhere.  It seemed kind of watery, too.  But then there was a blood clot, not huge, but certainly big enough to be alarming.  Oh crap, I think I may be having a miscarriage.

So I got cleaned up and woke Nate up.  I told him that if I start having cramps then I'm going in to the ER (after all, bleeding, blood clots, and cramps are symptoms that are pretty hard to ignore).  At that moment I felt a tiny cramp, so I was like, "I'm going."  Of course, it's 3:30 in the morning, so who would we call to watch our kids??  We decided that Nate would stay home and I'd drive myself to the hospital.

 

They were able to get me back for an ultrasound after not too long of a wait.  The ultrasound tech didn't let me see the ultrasound much at all, but after a minute of taking a look at things he said, "It's squirming around in there."  Whew!  What a relief!  He was also extremely surprised that I was only 13 weeks (and 3 days) because the baby was consistently measuring at 14 weeks.  He also informed me that I have a posterior placenta (it's implanted on the back of my uterus).  Good to know.

So after taking a look at a bunch of things, he brought me back to my ER room and they started an IV.  Or I should say, they tried to start an IV.  They were successful on their third try.  It turns out my forearms have deceptively nice-looking veins, but they blow extremely easily.  I'll be warning anyone else who ever tries to put an IV in my forearm.  

This is how it looked almost 9 days later.  I also recall how it took three tries to get an IV in my forearm when I had my tonsils out.  So after five total attempts in my lifetime, only one of those attempts was successful.  Yes, I think I'll have them stick to my elbow joints from now on.

To make a long story short, the doctor eventually came in and told me that I had a mild placental abruption.  My placenta is partially detached from the uterine wall, which shouldn't happen until after the baby is delivered.  He said it could bleed for a bit, then reattach itself and heal.  Or it could detach more and more until I miscarry.  He said to go home and stay on bed rest until I could follow up with my regular OBGYN within the next week.  He was very kind about it, but basically told me not to come back unless I was losing so much blood that I was dizzy.  There's really nothing the ER could do about a miscarriage, anyway.

So I made it home around 6:30 AM feeling very relieved that my baby was still alive and glad that there was something I could do to protect him/her.  

So I stayed on bed rest, with the bleeding getting better and worse and better and worse.  Literally every other day.  I could periodically feel my uterus contract and stay rock hard for a few minutes, but I never had any cramps.  Judging by my still-existent nausea and the fact that I could literally feel the top of my uterus growing higher and higher each day, I knew my baby was still ok in there.  All the while, Nate did a seriously amazing job taking care of the boys and me.  

I saw my regular OB on the next Tuesday.  Well, I saw the nurse anyway (the OB had just left for a delivery).  We located the heartbeat (always a relief) and she told me that there's a pretty good chance that the baby will be ok.  She gave me a 90 percent chance that the bleeding will stop on its own and the pregnancy will proceed as normal.  She wanted to wait for two weeks after the beginning of the bleeding before doing an ultrasound, to give my placenta a chance to fully heal.  She also said I didn't need to be on strict bed rest, but "modified bed rest," where I can be up and about and doing things, but don't do more than what's necessary and most importantly don't do any lifting (no more than about 6 pounds, she said).  Also pelvic rest.

Since going from strict bed rest to modified bed rest, I have been having loads of cramps.  As of today the bleeding still hasn't stopped, but it hasn't gotten worse, so I'm taking that as a good sign.  But the cramps are quite painful, and since my placenta is posterior, I get awful lower back cramps.  And then there's the overall soreness associated with placental abruption.  My abdomen is just plain sore.  Really sore.  And then there's the 10-minute-long contractions that I get when I do something as simple as bend over.  That was pretty "normal" for me when I was pregnant with Russell, so I was expecting it this time around.  But I sure hope that that doesn't harm my placenta any farther.

Also, oddly enough, the bleeding is always worst first thing in the morning.  I don't know if the baby likes to kick his/her placenta all night long or what, but after a day of milling around the house things always seem slightly better (except for those darn cramps).  

So now we wait.  There's a slight chance that the bleeding won't ever stop and then we'll just have to hope that it doesn't get any worse until I can deliver.  If that's the case, I'll be lucky if I can go full-term.  So let's just hope that it resolves!

I'll keep ya posted.

One Trimester Down, hopefully two to go!

I'm glad to have that first trimester over with.  It wasn't my favorite.  Here's a little run-down of what it was like:

I felt awesome until I was 5 weeks and 6 days pregnant.  That's when the morning sickness came on strong.  I started out throwing up an average of twice a week.  Not so bad, really, except that I wasn't able to eat much.  I went through a few different cravings (not so much cravings, really, but more like things that I thought I could stomach better than other food).  Raisin bread toast with butter, orange soda, and summer sausage are what I lived on for a while.  If I tried eating other things, I usually felt like the food was stuck in my throat for about 10 hours before throwing up.  It was soooo rough.

I ended up losing 5 or 6 pounds, and haven't gained any of it back yet.

I couldn't walk through a grocery store without looking for a place to throw up.  The sight of all of that food...it was just too much.

I realized just how much Nate thinks about and talks about food.  He would try to tell me what free lunch he got at work that day, and I'd have to cut him off for fear of tossing my proverbial cookies right then and there at the thought of food.  It was pretty bad.  And it happened at least once a day.  I had to scroll through my facebook news feed extra fast so as to avoid seeing any pictures my friends shared of food.  I just couldn't handle it!

I required a lot of medications...zofran, phenergan, vitamin B6, unisom, zantac, tylenol, colace, and mirilax (which I could have sworn didn't have a taste until I became pregnant).  Ugh.  I hate taking medication, but I seriously needed it for survival.

As far as pregnancy symptoms go, my list was short this time, compared to my first two pregnancies.  Yes, the nausea and vomiting was pretty miserable, but that, constipation (also miserable) and post nasal drip are pretty much all I've dealt with, with a little heartburn/reflux thrown in there.  I'm so relieved to not have the mood swings that haunted me with my boys.  I still feel like myself!  It's amazing.  I get headaches from time to time, but they're well controlled with a tylenol or two, which is nothing compared to how debilitating they were with my first two pregnancies.  SO glad to not have that to deal with (knock on wood).

Now let's talk more about the post nasal drip.  I remember having a stuffy nose through my whole pregnancy with Russell, and I thought that was no fun.  HA!  This time I have had so much mucus draining from my sinuses down the back of my throat that TWICE I would try to swallow a pill and it would get STUCK!  Talk about gross!  I'm supposed to take my thyroid pill on an empty stomach every morning, but I had to eat something first to try to clear my throat.  And even then it got stuck!  Thankfully thyroid pills aren't bitter, because it ended up back in my mouth.  Gag.  The other pill that got stuck...that one was pretty nasty tasting when partially dissolved.  I can tell that my gag reflex has eased up a bit, because I can talk about it now.  At the time, just thinking about it was enough to make me hurl!  And then there were the many times where I would just try to breathe, and the mucus would be overwhelming and I'd almost throw up.

I also caught a 24-hour stomach virus that our whole family got, but I got it worse than anyone by far.  I ended up throwing up about 15 times (if you include dry heaving) in half a day and couldn't keep down even a sip of gatorade.  So to the ER I went.  The fluids and IV zofran helped immensely and I was all better by the next day.

These days, my favorite thing in the world is pears.  Canned pears are my favorite.  I drink the juice with a straw.  Yummmm!  It's good for hydration and fiber, two things that I really need.  Otherwise, it seems that the cravings and aversions have eased up a ton.  I can kinda just eat whatever, as long as I don't eat a ton of anything (it makes me sick).  I also have to eat constantly.  I'm talkin' if I go more than 30 minutes without eating, I had better pop a cookie in my mouth ASAP to get my blood sugar back up before I get so sick that I can't eat anything.  It's so odd.  I've learned to keep oatmeal squares (the cereal) around, as well as pretzels.  And little chewy candies are also good to pick me up when I'm on the verge of being sick.  Skittles and sour patch kids are what I've been using lately, and they've helped a lot.

Now, right at the end of this rough trimester is when I had my little placental abruption drama goin' on, but seeing as this is getting pretty long already, that deserves a post of its own.  Stay tuned.


One day shy of 10 weeks:


One day shy of 12 weeks:


One day shy of 13 weeks:


I only take pictures on Sundays when I'm actually dressed nicely (usually the only day of the week where I'm dressed nicely).  My due date is on a Monday, so my pictures will always be one day shy of whatever week that is.  Aaaaand, I've been hanging out in pjs since the abruption, so I promise, next time I'm actually wearing real clothes, showered, and wearing maybe a little bit of makeup, I'll snap a picture.  But it might be a while.  Sorry/not sorry.  You should try wearing pajamas for a week straight.  It's kinda awesome.

World Prematurity Day: Remember When

I love how the whole month of November seems like it's dedicated to Caleb.  :)

There are a lot of facets of prematurity awareness, but this year I'd like to focus on something positive.  The March of Dimes has a "Hugs Heal" campaign promoting skin-to-skin holding (kangaroo care) for premature babies.  It has been proven to help babies in a lot of ways.  In underdeveloped countries, where proper medical equipment is hard to come by, Kangaroo Care can literally save lives!


Kangaroo Care is "holding your diapered baby on your bare chest...with a blanket over your baby's back to keep him warm"  (Learn more about Kangaroo Care here.)

This is a picture of the first time I held Caleb.  He was 12 days old and had just come off of the ventilator for the last time the day before.  He was still well under 3 pounds at this point (he reached exactly 3 pounds when he was exactly 3 weeks old).

I was so excited when I got the call that Tuesday morning from our favorite nurse, Catherine.  I had previously been told that I couldn't hold him until he had been off of the ventilator and stable for at least 24 hours.  The day before this, he was supposed to have heart surgery.  His lungs had been filling with fluid and collapsing, but he took such a great turn that by that evening he was able to breathe on his own.  Catherine told me, "I know you thought today was going to be a 'recovering from surgery' day, but how would you like to come hold your baby?"  She was always such a great advocate for him!  She told me many times, "I'll always do what's best for your baby.  I'll fight for him and they can fire me if they want!  I only work this job because I love it.  It's worth it to get fired if it means I'm doing what's best for your baby."  And there were many times that I did see her fight for him!  I expect this was one of those times.  I can imagine her that morning, telling the NP and neonatologist, "Look, he's doing great.  He's never been better.  He's 12 days old and his mom has never held him.  Who cares that it hasn't been 24 whole hours since he was extubated?  It's time for Mom to hold him."  This post could quickly turn into "The Many Reasons Why I Love Catherine," but back to Kangaroo Care....

I picked Nate up from work on my way to the hospital.  He wasn't going to miss this!  It took two nurses and one Respiratory Therapist to move Caleb from his isolette to my chest.  Three people for one tiny baby!  They told me that I would probably only hold him for 30 minutes, because by then most babies need to return to the stability of their isolettes.  But Caleb snuggled in and fell asleep almost instantly (well, after trying to pick up his head and turn it around with that big CPAP elephant nose stuck to his face!--he was amazingly strong; and after rooting around to try to find a source of that yummy smell of milk that was so close--AMAZING to see for a baby who hadn't even attempted to eat yet).  His heart rate and oxygen saturation leveled out wonderfully.  Babies this small will often swing between high heart rates and low heart rates, causing the monitors to alarm every minute or so.  They call them "swingers."  But while I was holding Caleb, his swinging was much less than it was before.  He was so stable on my chest that they let him stay there for TWO HOURS!

The best word to describe how it felt to hold him is right.  It just felt so right to have him so close.  Yes, it would have been more right to have him inside of me for another few months, but this was the next best thing.  Mommys and babies aren't supposed to be separated so early and when they are, there is nothing better than being put back together again.  It was truly one of the most incredible moments of my life.

When it was time to put him back (and change his diaper, and start his next feeding, and for me to pump because I was getting pretty uncomfortable) they took his temperature (as they always did every three hours) and it was perfect.  There was no denying that holding him skin-to-skin was good for his health.

Nate's first time holding Caleb.

As the days went on, we were allowed to hold him once a day for those first few weeks.  Nate and I took turns holding him skin-to-skin.  There was one day where I was holding him and he let out a little cry--very unlike him.  Caleb almost never cried.  Then he spit up a little.  I remember thinking, "Oh, he's just like other babies now!  They all spit up, right?"  But Catherine knew something was wrong.  She told the NP that he NEVER cried when Mom is holding him, and that alone was a big red flag.  So they did an abdominal x-ray and found that he was dangerously close to perforating a bowel.  His bowels were so full of air that they were pushed up to the level of his nipples.  It was caused by a combination of starting giving him Human Milk Fortifier to increase the calories and fat content in my breast milk in an attempt to chunk him up (studies have shown that the faster a baby can gain weight, the faster they get out of the NICU) and swallowing air from his CPAP machine.  They immediately stopped feeds, put him on a tube (the Andersen Tube) that essentially pumps everything out of his stomach, measured his girth every three hours, and waited for him to get better.  This was the closest Caleb ever got to dying while in the NICU.  If he had perforated a bowel, it would have required emergency surgery and would have likely caused infection.  Infection is the number one killer of babies in the NICU.  It was a scary few days there, and we weren't allowed to hold him until he was more stable.  About a week later, the NPs wanted to put him back on the Human Milk fortifier.  Again, Catherine pulled out the, "You'll have to fire me before putting him back on that so soon after what he's just been through."  I was there to see this one.  Catherine is one of the most likable people ever, but when she pulls out the big guns you back down!  So they agreed to try a much more gentle fortifier, which we could all be happy with.  My Mommy instinct (which has proven to be extremely trustworthy) tells me that the reason Caleb has such awful GI motility and can't digest food fast enough to consume enough to survive is because of the trauma caused to his GI system from that fortifier.

As you can see, holding my premature baby was an amazing experience for us both.  One that quite literally could have saved his life.  And the emotional experience was unmatched.  It's a moment that will always bring tears to my eyes when recalled.  Hugs truly can heal.  And now I get to hug that big, miraculous 5-year-old all I want!

Caleb

Tonight I sat by the bed of my sleeping angel and put my finger in his hand, just like I did when he was a baby.  Only then, I wasn't at liberty to pick him up and hold him because he was too fragile, too unstable, or needed to preserve his energy to grow and learn how to eat.  Today I watched him go down a big slide on a potato sack all by himself.  Once he made it to the bottom, he immediately hopped up and came to me with a quivering lower lip and said, "I didn't like that at all.  I don't want to do that again."  And I held him in my arms, just as I wished I could all day long during those first three months.

As I sat by his bed, I watched him breathe.  It came so easily tonight, unlike his first few weeks.  I remember watching him struggle for breath at a few days old, just wishing the doctors would put him back on the ventilator so he could rest.  I was moved to tears, seeing my tiny baby struggle so much to do life's most basic function.  I wished life could be easy for him.

Tonight, as I sat by his side, I listened to the feeding pump churning away...just as I did almost five years ago.  He's still working on life's second most basic function (eating).  And that's ok.  Medical intervention kept him alive then, and it does so now.  I could never hate it.

As I looked at how much smaller my finger looks in his big preschooler hand, I noticed that it's slightly callused, unlike when he was born with skin as thin as paper.  I remembered my very first interaction with him--I stroked his leg, because I didn't know any other way to let him know I was there.  The nurse told me that it was overwhelming and even painful for tiny preemies to be stroked like that, and to provide firm pressure instead of movement.  Who knew I was touching my newborn baby wrong the very first moment I met him?  In the days that followed, he developed two scars from the monitor leads.  They were attached to machines and run by electricity, and even the imperceptible amount of heat they generated burned his delicate skin.  He still wears the scars today.

Tonight, I soaked him all in.  And I thanked God for the priceless memories of those first three months, and for every day since.

So Long, Dear Friend

It's amazing what the human heart is capable of.  We invite into our homes a member of another species.  We don't speak their language, and they don't speak ours.  Yet they enrich our daily lives, and when they're gone (and they always go too soon), we realize just how much love we hold for them.

I think love comes through service and sacrifice.  Jesus Christ loves us more than anyone, and he sacrificed all he had for us.  Parents love their children beyond words, because we give up everything for them.  When we sacrifice our time and means to care for pets, we grow to love them.  And together we learn a shared language of love.

And when they die, our hearts are ripped in two.  I've done a lot of hard things in my life, but I think making the choice to end my dear friend's life was the hardest one yet.

I got Meggie for my 14th birthday.  The previous week, my dog (although she was never really my dog, as she bonded closely with my dad) died unexpectedly at a young age.  I was so lonely, so my mom brought me to the shelter to see if there were any dogs there to adopt.  We tried one out, but she wasn't a good fit for our family, so the next day we brought her back to the shelter.  On the way home, I asked my mom if we could stop and see what the pet store had for dogs.  They had just gotten two new litters of puppies in: Meggie, her brother, and three little black puppies (pomeranians crossed with toy poodles).  I immediately fell for Meggie, so I decided that we'd go home and sleep on it and come back the next day to get her.  On the drive home, I thought of a name for her.  I knew she was meant to be my dog.

The next day, we went to see if she was still there.  Of all of the five dogs that were there the day before, only Meggie and one of the black puppies were left.  Someone was holding Meggie, and the moment they set her down, I snatched her up and brought her to the register.  I said, word for word, "This is my dog.  I mean, she's going to be my dog.  We're going to buy her."  So my mom bought her and gave her to me for my 14th birthday.

Meggie was the ugliest puppy you've ever seen.  Everyone said so.  But I just didn't see it.  I thought she was the cutest 4-legged creature to ever walk this earth, and everyone thought I was delusional.  Looking back, I can see she really had the looks that only a mother could love.  My love was so unconditional that I couldn't see it until many years later.

I spent 14 years and 7 months with Meggie.  That's over half of my life!  And the best, most memorable part of my life, too!  I started training her in 4-H when she was 4 months old.  She hated it.  I was a good dog trainer (my previous dog and I were winning awards), but Meggie refused to do what I asked.  She would protest a simple "sit" command.  She wouldn't come.  Sometimes she wouldn't even walk on the leash!  She started avoiding me on Thursday evenings when I would try to put her in the car to go to training practice.  Then I started bringing her to Therapy Dog instead.  She loved going to nursing homes to be pet by the residents.  It brought out her best qualities.  She started enthusiastically jumping in the car when she knew we were going to Therapy Dog.

I gave up on obedience training with her (she was a good house dog, but not a good competitive obedience dog), but I still did 4-H showmanship with her.  That's what I loved, and all she had to do was prance around and look pretty, which she was very good at once she outgrew her awkward stage.  We qualified for the state 4-H dog show many times, but I remember one time in particular.  It was just moments before entering the show ring, and I was full of nerves.  But I must have pulled it together really well, because we ended up winning Grand Champion!  We were the best in our age-group for the entire state!  It was incredible!

She stayed behind with my dad when I went off to college.  Once Nate and I graduated and bought a house of our own, my mom flew out here with Meggie.  Caleb was 4 months old, and had just been home from the NICU for one month.  She was a great kids' dog in her younger years.  She never jumped on people, never licked, never barked, and loved to follow kids around, waiting for them to drop their snacks on the floor so she could clean up after them.  She was the best for taking on walks.  We went for a long walk every morning during Caleb's first two years.

It was a really hard choice for me to have her put down.  I feel like that should be up to God and Meggie, but I just have to hope that she did choose this, and she just needed my help.  I got to hold her in my arms and comfort her while it happened.  It was perfect, yet so horrible.  I just wanted her to feel how much I loved her.  We grew up together.  Really, she was the first dog that I could claim as my own.  She was the first dog that my children ever knew, and I hope they can keep some fond memories of her.

I was once told by someone with great authority regarding strengths that my strength is my ability to love deeply.  I must say, it has been feeling like a weakness lately.  The pain I feel at Meggie's passing is so strong because my love for her was so strong.  This kind of love is what we live each day for, even though it has the potential to cause so much pain.  It was a glorious childhood that we had together, and I look forward to the day when my Meg greets me in Heaven in her wonderful way--running at top speed in giant circles while crying a happy little howl.  It will be a wonderful reunion.

No heaven will heaven be

if my dog's not there

to greet me.

Vegas!

For Christmas, my handsome husband surprised me with a little trip to Vegas!  I was not expecting it!  It was the perfect idea, because it was close enough to drive (about six hours) and since we hope to move across the country in the next few months, it was sort of our last chance to visit a place that I've never been to before.  It was amazing to spend some time together without the kids (my awesome sister watched them).  We could eat whatever sounded good without having to consider allergens, we could go places without having to consider nap and feeding schedules, we could talk like adults without being interrupted...it was weird.  And awesome.  Ever since becoming parents four years ago, we have only spent one night away from our kids (not including hospital stays).  This time it was two nights!

We got to see Cirque Du Soleil, which was incredible.  My favorite part of that was probably this amazing juggler.  Seriously, she was amazing.

We got to see the water display at the Bellagio:



It was pretty cool!

We saw a Christmas display with a giant Christmas tree:

And a couple of life-sized polar bears made out of carnations:

We ate some really yummy food.  And that's about it.  Ha!  But seriously, I've always heard that there are endless cheap buffets in Vegas, but apparently they all raise their prices during the holidays, so there was nothing worth our money.  The rest of the time was just spent walking around, trying to navigate crowds and avoid people who try to hand you cards with naked "escorts" on them (they're on every corner...it's awful).  At one point Nate asked why on earth they call them "gentlemen's clubs" since the people who go there are not gentlemen.  We decided that they should be renamed "creeper clubs."  It also drove me crazy to see every restaurant advertise their food with a girl trying to seduce a guy.  Seriously?  The Strip just felt like one big place for people to get together and demean women.  Blah.  Not my favorite.

Why we thought it would be fun to go to a place that thrives on drinking and gambling when we ourselves neither drink nor gamble is beyond me.

We decided that our next getaway will be to a cabin in the woods with not another soul in sight.  That's more my cuppa tea.

But we did get to see this gem on our way outta town:

That thing is famous!


I'd say the highlight of our trip was getting to see my best friend (and roommate from my freshman year of college) and have lunch with her cute little family.  She drove many hours to see us!  I love that girl.  I miss her.

On the way out of Nevada, I snapped a picture of the scenery:

 And 20 minutes later I took another one:

 Then 20 minutes later...:

 And another 20 minutes went by...:

Let's just say, I'm not a desert person.  I need some trees and some greenery.  Although, there was a lovely canyon that I enjoyed driving through.

All in all, I'm glad we went, but I have no desire to go back.  It was just nice to spend some time with my hubby.

Remember When...

Remember when God gave us Russell?

I think it's easy to see that Caleb was a miracle baby.

But sometimes 8lb 5oz babies are miracles, too.

Nate and I always thought that two years was a great gap between our children.  I don't know why.  Maybe because that's how everyone else seemed to do it.  So shortly after Caleb's first birthday we started praying and thinking about how to go about having another baby.  Looking back, it seemed so early.  Caleb was 13 months, but as far as milestones he was only 10 months.  And his health and eating was so poor.  We really had a lot to worry about with him at that point.  But I started "doctor shopping" anyway.  I saw two doctors (neither of which I actually ended up liking).  One gave me a prescription for the same high dose of fertility drugs that was required to get pregnant with Caleb (200mg of Clomid).  The other said that our bodies change after having a baby, so it would be wise to start with a lower dose (50mg) and work my way up 50mg at a time until I got pregnant.  That's how I did it for my first pregnancy, and it took five rounds of Clomid over the course of nine months.  That's a lot of time.

Nate and I prayed about it.  It was scary to think about our chances of having multiples if I took the higher dose, especially since we had no way to know if I would deliver early again or not.  If I could only carry one baby to 27 weeks, how far could I get with two?  It was a scary thought.  Our prayers were answered and we felt confident that I should take the higher dose of fertility drugs.

I didn't get pregnant on the first round.  The medicine made me really sick.  I remember telling Nate that I wasn't willing to take it a third time if I didn't get pregnant on the second round.  I just couldn't handle deliberately making myself that sick.  That we'd have to take a few months off, and take our time.

Then Caleb was put in the hospital for five days with RSV, a stomach virus, and an ear infection.  He was so dehydrated that the IV fluids made him gain a whole pound in one day.  He was 16 months old and only reached 17 pounds because of the fluids.  He looked like a different baby.  And we had to postpone the scope that would ultimately diagnose him with an eosinophilic disorder because he had a respiratory virus and couldn't go under anesthesia.

Then I got pregnant, after only two rounds of Clomid.  We were very happy.  It was all part of our plans.  Just what we wanted.  Our second baby would be born just one month after Caleb turned two.  Perfect.

Then, not more than a month later, Caleb was diagnosed with eosinophilic enteritis.  I was about eight weeks along, and scared to death.  It's hereditary.  Caleb would need a feeding tube.  He would have needed one even if he hadn't received this diagnosis.  What if I went on bed rest?  What if I had another dangerously early preemie?  All of the what ifs just seemed like too much to handle.

I kept thinking that if I hadn't gotten pregnant when I did, I would have put it off without hesitation.  Truthfully, I resented my pregnancy for a while.  It was such bad timing.  We should have waited until Caleb's medical conditions had stabilized and we had all adjusted, which I sometimes feel may never happen.  We may have been a family of three indefinitely; always feeling as though something is missing, but not having the courage to act on it because of our previous and scary experiences with Caleb.

The one thing that gave me comfort during my pregnancy was the knowledge that Russell would be part of our family because God wanted him here.  It certainly wasn't a risk that I was willing to take.  If I hadn't taken the higher dose of Clomid, if I hadn't gotten pregnant on the second round, if Caleb's scope hadn't been pushed back...then I would have chosen to not have another baby.  God chose to give us Russell--failure to thrive, blue eyes, bald head, silly little personality, unknowns and all.  He was meant to be in our family, so God made it happen just when it needed to happen.

And I'm so glad it happened how it did.