Here I go.
I hate that I cause my son pain just by feeding him. HATE it.
I force feed him via his feeding tube. Of course he doesn't want to eat. It HURTS. And yet we put him through feeding therapy; we try all the tricks in the book to get him eating. He doesn't hate us for it. He tries. But then he stops, because it HURTS. So when he doesn't eat by mouth, I put it down his tube, and it hurts just as bad, only instead of hurting himself by eating, it's his Mommy who hurts him.
I only do it to keep him alive, I swear. When we know that he's certain to throw it all up anyway, we just don't feed him (like at church). He likes it better that way.
He had another scope on Tuesday and we got the biopsy results this morning. The eosinophils are back. The only foods that are changed from his last scope in November, where there wasn't a single eosinophil, are the formula (switched from Elecare [an amino acid-based formula] to Gerber Goodstart Gentle [a dairy-based formula]), peaches, pears, and sunflower/safflower/canola oils. So he's reacting to at least one of those. It's most likely the formula, since dairy is such a common allergen, so starting today we're trying a new formula. But it could also be one of his other foods, since at the time of his scope in November he wasn't eating much other than apples, grapes and sweet potatoes, even though chicken, rice, tuna, and white potatoes were also allowed. He just hardly ever ate any of those because he was vomiting so much that eating wasn't appealing.
So, for the past 6.5 months, Caleb has been in pain every single time I feed him. That sure makes me feel like the mom of the year.
So much time wasted. That's one fifth of his life. I hate this guessing game. I hate this disease. I hate that my little boy has been so sick for so long and we never really knew.
Please, oh, please, just don't tell me that I have to take potato chips away from him. It would break his sweet little heart.
There is something seriously wrong with my life.