Friday, October 26, 2012

My dysfunctional relationship with food.

I hate food.  

I hate what it's done to my family.  I hate that my son can't have it.  I hate that he doesn't want it.  I hate that he needs it.  I hate what it's like to see the food that I worked so hard to get in my son come right back out.  I hate how it makes my son feel.  Sometimes, I hate how it makes me feel.  I hate that it's everywhere.  I hate how food plays a central role in every single holiday.  I hate how it feels to see and smell food when you're not hungry.  I hate that it's trendy to make food look attractive.  I hate that everyone says, "The kitchen is the most important room in the home."  I hate that.  I hate that everyone's suggestion for increasing family unity is to have meals together.  I hate that I need food.  I hate that I depend on food physically and sometimes emotionally, too.  I hate that I actually enjoy food.  I hate that I enjoy food that my son can't have.  I hate the power that it has over me.

I love food.

I love how it tastes.  I love how it feels to eat something savory, just when you crave it.  I love how it feels to eat something sweet, just when you crave it.  I love how it feels to crave something healthy.  I love creating something beautiful with food.  I love the recognition I receive when I create something beautiful and delicious.


Maybe some day food and I can have a better relationship.  I think it will take time.

3 comments:

MeganandClaudy said...

I do not blame you for any of the feelings you have about food. You have gone through a lot. Here's to happier days with food. And yay for a time when our bodies won't depend on it.

Katie Groneman said...

I agree with Megan. I can't imagine how hard it is for you. Your a wonderful Mother - keep going!

*Alice Anne* said...

Wow. Just...wow. I think you are in a very unusual position. I wouldn't know how to feel either! Love you, Anna!