One Year Ago

I spend a lot of time thinking about the circumstances under which Caleb was brought into this world so tiny and weak and the 100 days that we spent with him living in the NICU. I can't honestly say that the gravity of the situation has caught up with me at this point. That's why I think about it so much. I still feel like I have an emotional block up, keeping me from fully experiencing what my son went through and how much it changed/s my life. I feel like a zombie. I want to come to terms with it. I think I'll have a major break-down when I do, and that's ok. No baby should have to fight for his or her life, and no parent should have to watch it.

I think a lot about the day he was born; how fast things went, the first time I saw him, how calm I was, and how much my love for my husband grew. The whole world looked different. The weather was beautiful when I walked into labor and delivery--I had my winter coat with me, and I was embarrassed. It was too nice out to need a coat. Two and a half days later, when I was discharged from the hospital and left my baby there, the whole world was covered in ice. The wind was biting. I almost slipped on the way to our front door. Our house was cold and drafty. We hadn't turned the heat on yet. My life was a little more complete, a lot more difficult, and

much more beautiful, but the world was cold and ugly.

Other things didn't matter. How could they, when my baby was on life support? It was surreal. Was I really that strong? I didn't even fall apart, really. The first time I saw Caleb, the nurse was putting an IV in his tiny hand, and had me hold his fingers so she could put the needle in. He pulled away from me, and I let go. I didn't want to break him. The nurse said that I wouldn't hurt him. I was involved from the very beginning, and it didn't bother me that I helped her poke him with a needle. He needed antibiotics so he wouldn't die. Emotions didn't matter when his life was on the line.

Three months later, I was putting a tube down his nose. He would scream, and I would cry. I hated hurting him. I didn't know that motherhood was like that. You should never have to hurt your helpless baby. But I would have done anything to make sure that he grew and developed and didn't get put in the hospital again for failure to thrive.

He sleeps all night, but sometimes I can't fall asleep. I have to think about how he only ate 10 ounces yesterday, and no solids. How Thursday and Friday he vomited until I cried. How his urine output has greatly decreased. How he is always playful, but how yesterday he was cradled in my arms (he never cuddles) and he tried to lift his head, but decided that it was too much work, so he gave up.

Now I have the virus that he's been fighting since Thursday, and I've spent all day in bed. I can't

believe that my little baby has handled it so well. He amazes me. He is so strong. He is always so happy.

Even when I was pregnant with him, he gave me strength. I was a very emotional pregnant person, but thinking about Caleb always made me happy. I realized then that it wasn't fair to depend on my unborn child for my happiness. That was a lot of weight on his shoulders. Some day he might buckle under that weight. He needs to be able to depend on me for his happiness (for now, anyway). But this child must have superhuman strength. He carries me, inspires me, strengthens me in ways that I didn't even know I was weak.

I can't imagine life without him. I'm so glad that things happened how they did (yes, even that he

was born 13 weeks early). I didn't know that I could love this way, and life wouldn't be complete without this kind of love.

World's Best Husband = MINE!

Ok, so I'm not a picky eater, per se, because there aren't a lot of foods that I dislike. The problem lies in the fact that if something doesn't sound good to me, I just can't eat it. I never lost that pregnancy symptom.

I think it bugs my honey.

So last night he presented me with this, written on a piece of paper:

Welcome to Purser-bees

where every Purser bees awesome

Main Courses

Tacos ben dacos--Beef tacos that are muy delicioso. Comes with cheese, beans, sour cream and salsa. Served on your choice of soft or hard tortilla shells.

Pizza Bien--Pizza that is delicious. Served with your choice of toppings on bread, hoagie bread, biscuits, tortillas or whatever else you can think of.

Mambo Italiano Pasta--Pasta that is delicious. Sauces available include white and red. Pasta available includes all sorts of kinds. One of the chef's personal favorites comes with mild or hot Italian sausage.

Stir fry a la wok--Delicious chicken stir fry, I mean chicken stir fry that is delicious. Comes with chicken, veggies and your choice of rice or noodles.

Meal of the Sea--Delicious tilapia with your choice of sides. Baked tilapia comes with your choice of rice or potatoes. Also includes some form of veggies.

Brunch for Dinner--Delicious breakfast food. Not finalized but probably includes the standard hash-browns, bacon, and eggs.



These are the same choices that we come up with every single night, that I never want to eat. But last night?

I chose Tacos ben dacos. They were very muy delicioso. :)

And he made it for me and everything. Then he did the dishes and put away the leftovers.

I think tonight we'll have Meal of the Sea.

And to top it off: The Kid pooped in the bath for the first time last night. The weird part? I didn't even notice. He was clean when I took him out of the tub! The water wasn't dirty, just soapy! (Dove soap makes the water cloudy, so you can't see through it.) Then, when The Boy drained the infant tub, it was very evident. And The Boy cleaned it up. Even with his overactive gag reflex. Sure, he almost threw up (many times), but he still cleaned it. He's so wonderful.

Peace

"For the mountains shall depart and the hills be removed, but my kindness shall not depart from thee, neither shall the covenant of my peace be removed, saith the Lord that hath mercy on thee." (3 Nephi 22:10 and Isaiah 54:10)

I was studying covenants the other day and read this reference. I had never before thought about how God covenanted to give us peace.

The Bible Dictionary defines "covenant" as:

"an agreement between persons or nations; more often between God and man; but in this latter case it is important to notice that the two parties to the agreement do not stand in the relation of independent and equal contractors. God in his good pleasure fixes the terms, which man accepts."

It makes me wonder what we agreed to do in order to receive God's peace. Live like Christ? Endure to the end? Possibly.

And then, to think of the immensity of removing the hills and mountains, which, although a simple task for God, would change the whole face of the earth--the likelihood of that is comparable to the likelihood of God removing His kindness and peace. In my opinion, it's rather unlikely.

And how does that change things for us? We have a responsibility to live up to what God expects of us, and in turn we will be blessed with His kindness and peace. He promised this, as long as we keep up our end of the covenant (which is still a bit of a mystery...if you have ideas, please share). But knowing that we can receive His peace changes everything. We can endure the most difficult of circumstances. Not only that, we can prevail. Conquer. Triumph. We can thrive. Trials can be the most beautiful experiences of our lives. And that changes everything.The view from Caleb's NICU room.

Copy Cat...or Dog

Lately The Kid has been mimicking words that I say. I still don't know if he understands what he's saying, but he appears to understand "dog." He says "da!" when he sees Meggie Dog. He loves her. He's been doing it for a few days now, but today he actually put a "g" on the end. I was quite impressed.

Today he said "dada" many times when pointing to his beloved daddy. He also said "ducky" and uh-oh" in the bath and "baby" when looking in the mirror. Of course, it was more like "duh-y," "uho," and "bayba," but still. Not bad for a kid who's only supposed to be nine months.


This isn't the best representation of what he's been doing, but it's a little taste.

And please excuse the mango-face.

I think he's well on his way to being a chatter-mouth. :)

And in other news, I'm fairly certain that he's allergic to food dye. Stink. He's had a nasty cold (probably RSV, but he's handling it very well, so the doctor isn't worried) and I gave him Benadryl (at the doctor's recommendation) and he broke out in hives. Once the hives clear up, I'll be starting to introduce him to cow's milk (since his birthday is next week and I've only got a few day's worth of pumped milk left in the freezer). Hopefully he can digest it alright, or else I'll have to try soy or almond milk. It's clear now that he hates formula. I don't blame him. It smells weird.

It's Prematurity Awareness Month.

What Miraculous Looks Like:

(and what cute looks like, too):

Halloween!

For some reason I was SO excited for Halloween this year! I think it's because this is the first holiday where The Kid is actually able to celebrate. (It's hard to count the 4th of July. Parades, yes, but nothing that The Kid could really participate in.)

We put a lot of thought (and somehow very little effort...) into the costumes.

The Kid and his Banana

We went to a few parties with our friends: A dinosaur and two peas in a pod! (Believe me when I say this is the best picture I could get of four babies between 8.5 and 11.5 months of age.)

It turned into this: The Dino attacks The Kid, who is entranced by The Pea Pod's costume, and The Pea Pod has a meltdown.

Now isn't this the cutest little dino you ever did see?

Cheeky little Monkey. :)

Another trip to the land of pure happiness

The Kid and I went to the Northwoods again--this time we went because my twin, JB, was coming home from an 18-month, full-time mission for our church. JB missed out on a lot these last 18 months. I wasn't even pregnant when she left, and when she got back, I had an 11-month-old!

The Boy stayed home so he could work and take care of the critters. We missed him. A lot.

Here is documentation of what happened:

The Kid and I met JB in the Minneapolis airport so we could share a layover and take the flight home together. Here we are at home, with one of our BFFs, Beth. As you can see, The Kid was very happy.We had a homecoming party for JB

We had a pumpkin party for the kids. Here is my Kid with two pumpkins! (The cat's name is pumpkin.) He absolutely LOVED that cat. I'm convinced now that he needs one of his own.

He also loved the leaves. And check it out--if we had hallowed that pumpkin out, he could have fit inside of it! And it wasn't even the biggest one in the pumpkin patch!

Us in the pumpkin patch (with my dad in the background). This was after most of the good pumpkins got taken out, too!

The ponies wanted in on the pumpkin party. See the one on the left? The buckskin? I went on a 3-hour trail ride with her. It was heaven.

Auntie JB made these adorable hot dog mummies for the pumpkin party.

The Kid had his first bath in a REAL tub! He shared it with his cousin, The Busy Bee, who is only three months older than him and about ten pounds bigger.

He had lots of Nana cuddle time.

The Kid went on his first mall ride with his cousin, code-named Candace. He LOVED it!

We had a play date with some friends.

Three beautiful miracle babies.

It was a wonderful trip. It wasn't hot like it was in July, and although it was cold, it wasn't too bad yet. The Kid decided, though, to go on a hunger strike. Most days he would only eat about 15 ounces. It became a waste to even try to get him to eat solids, so I would just put baby cereal in his bottles to beef them up a bit. The only thing that he would eat willingly was munchy snacks. I got so worried about it that I took him to a doctor there. I was hoping he had an ear infection, so we could take care of it and be done with it. But no. She said it's got to be a preemie thing, and to keep doing what I'm doing. Nice. Whatever I was doing, it obviously wasn't working. I even tried orajel and gripe water. And I switched him to the most expensive, most sensitive formula they make. So, I guess keep letting him starve? Keep stressing?

Well, The Kid got two more teeth on the bottom on Wednesday and on Thursday (the day we flew home) he ate a lot more. The Boy even got him to eat solids. It was amazing. Let's pray it continues to get better. But, if teething makes him not want to eat, what's going to happen when he gets molars? I don't even want to think about it.

And on top of that...I'm sick. Super, nasty, miserably sick. I'm pretty sure my immune system is weaker than The Kid's. Let it be known: if you come to my house today, I WILL be in my pajamas. Don't judge.